A shot of mopey mixed with HGH

So I've been kinda dumpy lately and have lacked the will or motivation to do much of anything.  I'm always waiting to turn some corner or have some epiphany that'll change everything.  I spend so much time in this godforsaken box that it often seems like I don't have much of a life outside of it.  There aren't windows in this office, but the view isn't bad from my desk.  

I've been more manic than anything.  I try and keep my energy up when I'm around people and I really try to not dump on my friends.  I get by myself and I'm just a mess.  I'd by lying if I didn't say that chemical enhancements never really help my mood either.  I guess some things really just come with the territory.  My mother always told me that I had an addictive personality and I guess I've been in denial about how right she's always been.  Guess that's why she's my mom.  

I had been trying to do things like go to the gym over the past month to try and make some much needed changes to my shape which has gotten increasingly rounder since summer.  There was a stretch where I didn't go to the grocery store for six months and had only emergency ramen in the house.   I have had plenty of encouragement from both sides.  Some want to just rock the casbah all the time and others are truly concerned with my health.  It's always hard to implement good habits than drop the bad ones. 

I've also ceased trying to see anyone and it's been that way for a while.  I seem to always get the feeling that I'm on the outside looking in and that it seems futile for me to walk in the door because my luck has been atrocious with women.  Well, that and I don't have the best judgement anyway.  A lot of my friends tell me that I have really bad confidence issues.  I only half-way agree with that.  I'm not that down on myself.  I just cease to believe that my belly is the only reason I can't get stinky on my hangdown.  My natural radness has never been in question obviously.  Chicks dig a sense of humor.  Just not in their vaginas.  

It's not really the biggest deal in the world and I'm not sitting around pining for anyone.  I'm more consumed with getting myself right in the head.  That could be the most futile pursuit of all.  I still haven't even put the mini-blinds up in my house after a month.  Still not sure when that's ever gonna happen.  I've been slowly getting my shit in order at home.  It's been almost two months since I moved in and it still feels like an apartment for me.  I bought a new couch and obnoxiously big TV, but the walls are still white and there's nothing on the walls.  I need so much help getting stuff done around there and I keep on wondering if I bit off more than I can chew with this investment.  I just want the shit done.  

It's been a much lower priority to me than it needs to be.  I'm killing myself trying to set myself up financially.  Being here all the time is gonna pay off in the long run and maybe I'll just hire someone to give me style in mi casa.  

There is some good things on the horizon.  I found out today that Radiohead tickets go on sale for Atlanta tomorrow.  Also, Amanda and I are considering renting an RV and going to Bonnaroo with some big-breasted ladies of easy leisure.  I've never done that festival before but the Truckers are playing and they always rule me.  Besides I need a fucking vacation.  I considered maybe taking the entire week off and getting the other guys to cover me so that I could go to the beach or something after the show.  Guess we'll see what happens.  

Barack is still ruling the world and I think the primaries in Ohio and Texas are gonna be the deciding factor on who I'm gonna be voting for in November.  You know what they say, vote early.  And often.  

Roger Clemmons is such a fucking liar.  I've been sitting here watching his Senate testimony this morning and I just don't believe the guy.  I even heard that his wife was taking it, too.  I had no idea she was slumming in the minors.  I think I'm almost completely numb to all of this now.  Fuck it.  Go Braves.